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On the radio, a recording of a rooster crowing announces it's six AM.
"Riiise and shine!" shouts the first DJ.
"Roll out of bed, sleepy-head!" adds the second DJ.
"Welcome to WSHT with Chip and Dale in the morning!" shouts Chip. The sound of an old fashioned car horn plays followed by a trumpet fanfare.
"It's the top of the hour on a beauuutiful spring day. Is that the start of summer I smell or is it just the neighbor's dog?"
"No Siree, Chip, that's the smell of summer! It's just around the corner!"
"That's right, Dale! And it's never too early to start stocking up on Velvet Sheen Sunscreen and Critter Kill Bug Spray; both proud members of the WSHT sponsor family!" A sound bite of a mosquito buzzing is played, followed by a slapping noise. "Today's Wednesday, and you know what that means..."
"Happy hump day!"
"Stop it, Dale! You're getting me all hot and bothered over here!" A sound bite of a blooper horn is played.
"And that's not all it is! Wednesday's also the day we look at..."
"Odd jobs of the Twenty First Century!" echoes a canned, booming voice.
"I'm dying with anticipation! Who's our guest today?"
"You're gonna have to keep your pants on, Dale. We'll find out soon enough, but first, a word from our sponsor..."
Music starts softly in the background and grows with intensity. A seductive female voice says, "We don't make your bread; we make your bread whiter! We don't make your computer smart; we make your computer smarter! We don't make cruise missiles explode; we make them explode bigger! We are Omnivan, and we are everywhere!" The music reaches a crescendo and ends.
"And we're back! Just in time for..."
"Odd jobs of the Twenty First Century!" booms the canned voice.
"Oo! Oo! Mr. Kotter! Mr. Kotter! Who do we have with us today?" asks Dale.
"Today we have a very exciting guest!" answers Chip.
"More exciting than the zoo artificial inseminator we had last week?"
"That one would be hard to outdo!"
"That one would be hard to watch!"
"Are you ready for this, Dale?"
"Lay it on me, big man!"
"This week's guest is a ‘configuration manager'." Sound bite of an audience making ‘ooing' and ‘ahing' noises is played.
"That seems fairly straight forward; what's so odd about that?"
"Well, have you ever run into one on the street?"
"No."
"Does one live in your neighborhood?"
"Don't think so."
"Have you ever even heard of a configuration manager before?"
"Can't say that I have, Chip."
"Well, there ya go! Sounds odd to me! Let's meet our guest and find out more! Please welcome, Carson Lucky!" Wild artificial applause plays in the background.
"Thank you, guys. It's, uh, great to be here."
"Great to have you! Well, judging by your name, I'm guessing you must be in a great occupation!"
"I sorta fell into it."
"Hey, Lucky got lucky, didn't he?" chirps Dale.
"Tell me, Carson, what is it, exactly, that you do? I mean, let's say you're trying to get ‘lucky', no pun intended, in a singles bar. What do you tell the young ladies when they ask you what you do for a living?"
"I tell them I'm a lion tamer," replies Carson.
"Ha! Ha!" The sound of canned laughter erupts and then fades. "This guy's killing me, Dale. Tell me: Are all configuration managers as funny as you are?"
"Yeah, we're all hilarious. It's a survival tactic."
"Seriously, Lucky, what would you tell the jury if you were put on trial? What do you do all day?"
"Well, currently, I'm trying to figure that out myself. You see, we use these software tools..."
"Tools?" interrupts Dale. "I like tools! Do you get to wear a fancy tool belt, like the TV repairman?"
"You're the tool, Dale. Let the man finish."
"Well, no, they're software tools..." continues Carson.
"Wait a minute; I can't get that straight in my head. What is a software tool, anyway? Can I drill a hole with it? Can I change a tire with it? What the hell is it?"
"I once used a software CD case to scrape frost off my windshield," says Chip.
"Now that's what I would call a software tool!" states Dale.
"What else do you do at work, Carson, besides cracking everyone up?"
"Let's see... you know when you get a new version of a software application? Well, we help make that happen. We facilitate software releases, Chip."
"You mean like when Microsoft comes out with a new version of Windows and my computer stops working?" asks Dale.
"Exactly," says Carson.
"So you're to blame! I'm going to follow you home tonight and find out where you live!"
"So tell me, Carson, when you were a kid, did you ever dream of becoming a configuration manager? I mean, was this part of the overall ‘Carson' plan?"
"Not exactly," answers Carson.
"You probably wanted to be a zoo insemination specialist. Did you see the size of the glove that guy had last week?" asks Dale.
"Yeah, man, that thing went all the way up to his armpit!" exclaims Chip. "But that was last week. We're stealing Carson's thunder here, Dale."
"And we'd love to hear more from Carson, but first this announcement from our sponsor!"
A baby's cry starts in the background and then combines with the sound of traffic noise and honking horns. A deep male voice says, "Your life is filled with stress. You don't know if you can cope. You are at the end of your rope. You're not the charging stallion you used to be. She's not the bubbly princess she used to be." The cacophony becomes louder, then suddenly fades and is replaced by soft, relaxing music. The voice continues in a relaxed tone. "Zanthrax. You owe it to yourself. You owe it to her. You owe it to each other."
A much softer voice takes over at a rapid pace, "Zanthrax should not be taken by pregnant persons or by persons trying to get pregnant. Zanthrax should not be taken by patients taking monoamine oxydase inhibitors. After taking Zanthrax, wait at least twelve hours before signing any legal documents. Side effects may include nervousness, irritability, upset stomach, ulcers, internal bleeding, depression, liver damage, and coma. If you experience any of these symptoms after taking Zanthrax, contact your doctor immediately."
The louder voice concludes, "Ask your Doctor about Zanthrax today!"
"And we're back! We're here live with Carson Lucky, configuration manager extraordinaire. You were just telling us, Carson... Ah, what were you telling us?" asked Chip.
"I don't think I should get too deep into the subject of configuration management; it might cause some of your listeners to fall asleep at the wheel."
"That's nonsense, Carson!" says Chip.
"Yeah, most of our listeners are already asleep at the wheel!" adds Dale.
"So, in what kind of places do configuration managers work?"
"Usually pretty large companies that have enough software development work to justify hiring a dedicated configuration manager."
"What about where you work? It wouldn't happen to be one of the largest employers in the area, would it?" asks Dale.
"You mean Omnivan?"
"Ooo!" exclaims Chip and Dale in unison. "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"
"Pardon us! Ominvan just happens to be our biggest sponsor," explains Chip.
"And the owner of this station," adds Dale.
"But you didn't hear that from us!"
"You gotta be careful, Chip, because remember - Omnivan's everywhere!"
"And we're just about out of time..."
"So that about wraps it up for this week's session of ..."
"Odd jobs of the Twenty First Century!" booms the canned voice.
"Many thanks to our guest, Carson Lucky, configuration management guy!" says Dale.
"It was great having you on the show, Carson! And always remember that you are absolutely unique!" says Chip.
"Just like everyone else!" adds Dale.
"Stay tuned, folks, for weather, traffic, and the Farm Film Report, all coming up next..."
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